Friday, October 17, 2014

On the Precipice

Few people can truly grasp what it feels like to be a fiction writer. Even many fiction writers themselves don’t feel the certain emotions others of us do about their work. For a lot of them, it’s a hobby, something they enjoy, something they even just do for a living.. But then there are other writers who fall into a different category entirely. Not necessarily in talent or skill, but in the way they feel about their work, but more specifically, their characters. I am, unfortunately, one of those writers I’m talking about.

The love I feel for my current protagonist rivals even the love I feel for many real people. The way I feel about him is as though he is a real person. As though he lives and breathes in some other place I can’t get to, and my heart clenches tightly at just the thought of him. Like a fist, and the idea of letting this character go, of never being able to touch him again, makes me want to ram that fist into a concrete wall.

So many people have asked me why this book isn’t yet finished, and I normally use the excuse of laziness, procrastination, or life just being too hectic. While all of those things are true, the main reason is that I don’t want to let him go yet. I want him to stay present. Relevant. Tied to me as a fledgling not yet ready to leave the nest..

That moment when I allow him to fly towards the horizon, it is finished. He will then belong to everyone who will ever meet him inside this story. He is no longer mine then, and I’m still too in love with him to set him free. When I finally do, there will not be a celebration as one might expect. There will be a period where I grieve for the loss of him. Where I listen to songs that remind me of him and weep. It will feel as though I’ve just left an intimate, four year relationship with someone who saturated my mind on a daily basis. It will feel like a loss more than a triumph, and that, more than anything, lets me know that I’ve chosen the right character. I've chosen the story I was meant to write at this time in my life.

Now, as I stand on the precipice of an entirely new life, in a new place, in a new home, I’m glad I was able to spend this period of my life with this character. This period of sheer strife and pain. He was my release, my comfort, and my escape.. I will finish his story just as I enter this new life, and that’s what makes it hurt so damn much. To leave behind the only thing that got me through one of the darkest moments of my life. The beauty of it is that I know there are people who need him more than I do, and I want him to belong to them.

Putting the blood, sweat, and tears into this novel for four years was the easy part..
It’s saying Goodbye that will tear me apart.

Monday, September 1, 2014

The Limitless Reaches of the Earth - Song / Video Collaboration with The Rose Phantom

I had the pleasure of working with Ted Newsom, aka "The Rose Phantom" on an incredible project. Ted is a phenomenal musician, vocalist, and artist, and when he shared this eight minute track with me that he created I was flooded with ideas of my own. I wrote lyrics, and sang the lead vocal on this song. We also came up with ideas for a video, which has turned out better than I imagined! As well as being gifted musically, Ted is also a gifted filmmaker. This is a combined effort where two visions blended together into one explosion of creative energy, and I couldn't be any happier with the result.



Lyrics :

"Bright and gold the sun does burn.
Hot enough to stun the snakes.
Sand and Earth as red as blood.
Sky so blue it heals your heart.

Trees as far as eyes can see.
Light is seen in dots and beams.
Birds will sing from dawn to dusk.
Owls and wolves make night a dream.

Green to red and back again.
Rain to dust and back again.
Free is how you feel out here.
Free from pain and what is real.

Listen now to what you hear :
Desert song that draws you near..
Forest song erasing fear..
Is it what has brought us here?

An expanse of burnt sienna so daunting, it hints to unborn ideas.
A canopy so lush and green, it mends even the most shattered of dreams.

Can you feel the forest of the Soul?
Can you grasp the desert of the mind?
Landscapes so beautiful it hurts.
The limitless reaches of the Earth,
Are mirrored in our own consciousness.
In the way we search for truth.
In the way we reach for love."

View and purchase the track on Bandcamp :



Jeffrey Smith, aka Ascending Storm created an incredible cover image for this track.

Listen to more of Ted's music and see more videos at :
The Rose Phantom Official Website
The Rose Phantom Youtube

Friday, July 25, 2014

Poetry Readings : "Exoskeleton Man" and "Fluttering Sparrow Heart"


I don't normally like revealing the meaning behind my poems, but this was written about two of my own characters, who reside in an unwritten story. I wrote it from the point of view of a young girl who falls in love with her rugged, older protector as they traverse the wilderness. She battles between her love of him, and her disgust at both his rejection and hatred of himself. This ends when he leaves her behind to avoid breaking a promise to her deceased father. A promise that he would not taint her purity. This poem is from my poetry book "Fragments From Nowhere", which will soon be available as a Motion Book on DeviantART for public viewing. Music in this video is by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)


I wrote this poem from the point of view of a sparrow, but it was also intended as an abstract metaphor about conformity. This poem is from my poetry book "Fragments From Nowhere", which will also soon be available as a Motion Book on DeviantART for public viewing. Music in the video is by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com).

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Closing Chapters

Recent events concerning communication with people online have made me reflect further on a topic I delved into last year. I made this video last Summer, when I was battling a lot of conflicting emotions concerning the apathy and disinterest of people online when it comes to meaningful connections. I've since vastly changed, even from this video - but I decided to finally share it, as I feel like it was the first time I was able to move on from the sorrow this caused me in the past, and also take responsibility for the fact that I was most often setting myself up for disappointment. I wrote a massive amount of text on how people no longer wish to connect anymore, then a large text about how most friendships aren't meant to last. Both of those are no longer online, as I feel they weren't terribly accurate to what I feel at this point.. I've since reflected on my personality type, and on the fact that loving people online is usually a waste of emotion, as it very rarely ever produces anything meaningful. It is often an "excuse to get hurt", if you will. I'll provide the links to those posts, if you're interested in reading more about this :

Personality Type

Love's an excuse to get hurt

Closing Chapters from Taylor on Vimeo.



Monday, June 30, 2014

The Museum of the Mind

In reality, the past holds little significance. We can romanticize and exaggerate those moments all we want, but they will remain ghosts.. Nothing more than images inside our heads, and the way we feel about them is a choice.

We are, in part, the sum of everything that has ever happened to us... But more than that, more powerful than that, is the blinding strength of our present consciousness. To believe that any of the hardships, joys, failures, or triumphs we experience in youth are truly relevant to the present moment is a conscious choice one makes. It is not an absolute reality that these instances hold sway over the present. The most common argument for that is, "Those moments make me who I am today." No, they don't. You make you who you are today. You are a separate entity entirely from your memories. Your present mind creates the image of self you currently have, and at any moment you can change that image. All of those memories are just events that occurred in your life, and many of the things you experienced later on were possibly a chain of events resulting from those memories - but to obsess over them as though they are the only thing that matters is a sure way to destroy your potential in the present.

To allow yourself to be defined by a traumatic event is a choice. To allow the potency of your Soul, your capacity for creation, and your desire for love to be tainted by memories that are no longer important is a choice. To focus on people who hold no significance in your life, who don't even think about you anymore, is a choice. To wallow in despair or anger over things you cannot change is a choice. So many people act as though they are a slave to things that should no longer matter. Things they have the power to rise above and move beyond.

People who live in the past, and justify their actions by distant wrongdoings fail to recognize the true potential of their own minds. People who live in the future are unable to enjoy life to its fullest extent, because the things they desire are constantly out of reach. When you are constantly looking back, or too far ahead, you start tripping over obstacles that would have otherwise been easily avoided. When you fail to live inside the present moment, which is the only moment you truly have, you fall flat on your face time and time again.

I've known people who are so obsessed with a singular moment in their pasts that the memory grows stronger with time. They convince themselves that the people in these memories feel the same way.. When in truth, they see no importance in them what-so-ever. These people they obsess over move on, mature, improve their lives, and progress as any person should. While the person embedded in the past stagnates in bitterness and delusion. All the while ignoring the capacity they have for change.

They live inside a museum. A museum filled with phony objects that each possess a grandiose story; a story only barely rooted in truth. A story they misconstrue, twist, and mutilate until it is no longer recognizable. This museum receives no visitors. It attracts nothing new. It acts as nothing more than a tomb for the dying, unfulfilled mind that created it..

All we have is right now.